Another suggestion I have received is to write letters to the people who I would never actually mail one to. It is supposed to help me get things off my chest, and be able to say them as if those people were really listening. So, that's what I'm gonna do.
Dear BoSox Girl, (first and foremost, of course)
I am still coming up there soon, quit crying! My Vegas trip is in roughly two weeks, and Boston is next on the map. Don't fret, I'm sure you can stand to wait until then. When I get there, it will rock!
For someone who I haven't spoken to in well over a year, you enter my thoughts quite often. Today, as a matter of fact, Leland told me that he saw you and your Nana at Winn Dixie recently. Also, Tommy D told me that he saw you at Publix. I don't know why people still feel the need to tell me this shit, because I don't care what you're doing, but they do anyway... and it never fails to make me brood about things a little bit.
With that out of the way, let me offer you this: I sincerely apologize for the things I said to you, post-breakup. I should have kept those things to myself, as it only made matters worse. I know that you have had a rough go of things as well, in your own right. While that still doesn't at all justify your actions, nobody deserves to be spoken to the way I spoke to you after I figured the whole mess out. If there is anything you are still carrying around from the things I said to you, please relieve yourself of them. The things I said were out of rage and spite, and I should've just shut my mouth. I'm sorry.
I wish you would have provided me with some sort of explanation, or some sort of closure, but you didn't... and I can't change that. People have told me that you and Shelby probably stayed hidden so well because you knew you were wrong, but you didn't have the courage to admit it. While that makes perfect sense, I think I will never understand how it is that Joffre McLane (who cheated you, and abused you both mentally and physically) warranted more of a fond farewell than I did after everything we had gone through together, but I guess that's just another one of those things. It wasn't my responsibility this time, so I s'pose that explains everything that needs explaining.
You have made it nearly impossible for me to trust women, at this point in my life. I hope you and Shelby are happy. I really mean that, honest to God. If you're not truly happy together, then you have royally screwed up an innocent person's views on the world's female population for no reason whatsoever. You might as well say the entire population in general, actually, since you drug people who I called friends into the whole fiasco. It makes for a terrible "who can I really ever trust?" outlook on life. That's what my whole point has been, since the rage has subsided. It's not about me being pissed that we broke up, and you're now dating an old friend of mine. I have dated other girls since, and there is one in particular who shines like a lighthouse. My life truly has been much better without the extra baggage, and I imagine you would echo my sentiments. That's beside the point. It's about how you guys did it, said piss on me, and never gave me ANY closure whatsoever on the matter. It's about principles, plain and simple. I had to create closure alone, and just accept that there is nothing I can do about it. It wasn't easy, but I did it. However, the scars are going to last forever. I just wish, as someone who I cared so much for at one point in time, that you would have had enough respect to just clue me in on what was happening. That's all.
I forgive you for it, though. It wasn't right, but people do dumb things sometimes. So, again, you are forgiven.
Regardless of everything, I hope your life is as happy as it can possibly be. I am still healing in some areas, but forgiving and apologizing to you has greatly helped in the process. I'm not sure if that's a credit you'd like to receive or not, but you're getting it anyway. I truly am sorry if I had any adverse effects on your life, through my verbal tirades. You (and only you) know why all of this stuff happened... but I am sincerely apologizing for my role in the aftermath. With that being said, I have officially done all I can do. I hope you believe it, because I truly mean it.
Best of luck to you in the future. I hope your life unfolds exactly as you have envisioned it.
I'm not going to be as nice to you as I was to Jenna. Yes, I am sorry for the things I have said about you since I found out about everything. As with Jenna, no one deserves to be heckled and mocked in such a fashion. I apologize.
However, your case really bugs the shit out of me. I understand that it's nearly impossible to say no to a "pretty" girl when they throw themselves at you. How do you think I ended up with her in the first place? She had to pull a lot of stunts to land me as her boyfriend, and then her fiance. A lot of things that she would never admit to, and for that matter, a lot of things that I wouldn't dare repeat anyway. She also had been dating one of my close friends at the time we got together... so I really have no choice other than to completely understand that situation. I absolutely can't fault you for it. I did the exact same thing. I wouldn't do it again, but you know what they say about hindsight. I'm sure you'll agree with me on that one day, if you don't already.
That's where the understanding ends, though. The last time I saw you, aside from random times when you ease outside of the house long enough for me to see you on Canna Drive (lovely choice of location, by the way), was right after Jenna and I broke up. I knew something was going on between you two, but no one would offer any information up. Daryn said he saw some shady dealings, but it was nothing concrete. So, I bought a case of beer, went up to your door, and offered you a cold one when you came out. I asked you, man to man, friend to friend, what was going on, and you said absolutely nothing. You said she was trying to get with you, but that it wasn't going to happen. You didn't have time to deal with her drama, supposedly. I asked that you not take it any further, and you said you wouldn't. I respected your honesty, at that point. Hell, I even thanked you, and you even shook my hand without batting an eye. I don't know how you did it.
Nowadays, I don't even trust my friends because of you. Yet you have the audacity to smile and wave when you see me. I'm not going to say anything about that, other than this: You should consider yourself extremely lucky, sir. Extremely lucky, on a number of different levels. I'm sure you can figure out why, exactly. I mean, you wear glasses and a suit, with a rag doll haircut and a shaggy beard... it just oozes "Look at me, I'm oddly smart!" If you're have some trouble understanding me, then you should probably just hit the ol' bottle some more. That always worked for you previously, right?
See? I didn't even mean to say all that, but I did. I'm sorry about that. I honestly do hope that you and Jenna are happy together. It would pain me to think that the two of you put me through that much trouble for nothing. As with her, I really wish I'd have received some sort of fair warning from you. Or at least some sort of explanation/apology afterwards. I honestly do wish it wouldn't have happened like that.
Though, in fairness, I guess your honey bun probably wishes that she didn't create her incredibly vain Playboy Bunny (more like Hustler Homegrown...) scrapbook for my Christmas present too. Whaddya gonna do? Wishes aren't always granted, and you obviously can't change the past. However, I've no use for it, other than as a dust collector in the guest closet. So, if you ever want it, you're welcome to it. And don't even act like you're too proud to take a hand-me-down. Who knows, right? Maybe it could provide you with something at least halfway decent to think about while you're sulking around the house with the present-day model. I mean, I'm sorry. Hey, it's there if you want it. Ya know? That's all I'm saying. (Stop it, J.G.! Dammit! You were doing so good! You definitely should save this last paragraph for a future stand-up routine though, for sure. It's genius!)
Anyhow, all joking aside: If I said or did anything that actually effected you in any sort of negative way, then I truly apologize. Best of luck to you in the future, and I hope that, one day, that suit of yours becomes something much more than a mediocre case of visual trickery. Good day to you, my friend.
Right off the bat, let me say this: There will be no smartass remarks for you. If anything comes off that way, I honestly don't mean it.
As far as I'm concerned, our friendship was the biggest casualty of the whole affair. I never got to really tell you how I felt, or why I felt that way. Not without me going crazy over some aspect of the situation. I know how I was, and I'm sorry. You were unwillingly caught in the middle, and you didn't know what to do. Let me state my feelings before I go any further... the only reason I was ever mad at you was because you didn't do anything to stop what was happening from happening. Please do not stop reading here, it's not the same old song and dance as before, I promise. I have some interesting revelations in store, I'm just getting this out of the way.
I always thought that you should have stepped in and been like, "Um, excuse me, what the fuck are you doing?" to those two. It was obvious, based on their actions (and mine), who was right and who was wrong. I said some terrible things after the fact that made an immediate repair impossible, but the fact remains. I didn't do anything to warrant any of that shit from either of them in the first place. Anyhow, if I were in your shoes, I have always liked to believe that I would have been more than outspoken on the ordeal. Bullshit would have been called, and I probably would've banned Jenna from the house. Especially after you knew she lied to me about where she was, parking in your backyard on a number of occasions. I just thought it looked like you, as a friend, failed to stand up for your longtime friend, nor what was right.
However, with more time having gone by, I can see your side of things. I can speculate all I want to, but the honest truth is this; I don't know what I would have done if I were in your position. I wasn't in your position, so how could I? I don't know what you knew, I didn't see what you saw, and I didn't hear what you heard... so I just can't say for sure how I would've handled it. You did what a lot of people would've done, and just cut yourself away from the whole thing. Shelby was already your roomie, so what were you supposed to do? You didn't have to approve of it, and you probably didn't (I hope), but now I kind of understand why you approached everything the way that you did. It's definitely not a simple black and white scenario.
With that stuff aired out, let me also say this... I really am sorry for anything that I said or did to you personally during the last couple of years. I wish I would have done everything differently, but my brain was on the verge of breaking apart at the seams. I was literally blinded by emotion. Like you, I didn't know what else to do. I am sorry, though, for what it's worth.
We had known each other for roughly seven years when all of this took place, and I always considered you to be one of my best friends in the world. I figured we would still be hanging out well into our vintage years, actually. I don't say that about very many people at all. Like I said, losing our friendship was the biggest casualty of this experience. It was definitely the hardest pill to swallow, and I still think about it all the time. You're a good man, and you were a good friend... you just got stuck between a rock and a hard place. It happens.
I don't think a reconciliation will (nor should) ever happen with Jenna or Shelby, but I don't see why you and I can't be friends again. Everything I have ever wanted to say is right there in plain English. I hope that's enough for you to understand where I was coming from, and forgive the things I said while my head was on backwards. If you ever decide to take me up on that, you know where to find me. You still have an open invitation. I would love for you to take it one day, without harping on this shit at all. If you never do, just know that I'm sorry for the role I played, and I wish the whole damn thing would have never happened.
Good luck with whatever you do, chief. I know you'll be just fine, without question, but still... good luck, Abert. Hehe. Later, man.
(PS: You'll never believe me, but the beer and cigarette packs in question are NOT mine, I swear! It was result of me, I'm sure, but it was not and is not me! Ok, that's it.)
I'm sorry this whole thing fell into your lap. You'll never know how much it hurt to have you call and yell at me about how I needed to leave Jenna alone. I had already lost Mildred and Clara Belle earlier in the year, and when we hung up the phone, it felt like I had lost another grandmother in the process. I have never once said a cross word about you, but I can apologize for the fact that you even had to deal with that unpleasant scene. You are a wonderful woman, and you didn't deserve the additional stress.
I'm also sorry that Jenna didn't tell you the whole story. I'm not going to go into detail about the whole thing, but it definitely merits a mention that you only got about 30% of the truth, and 70% of the edited truth. The 30% of truth, was in me saying some pretty horrible things about Jenna after we broke up. That I did, and I'm not proud of it. However, the other 70% turned out to be a complete crock. Your approval and God's approval had about as much to do with our breakup as the price of chickens in China. It was more about a selfish ulterior motive, and a desire to fool everyone into believing that your granddaughter was, in fact, the angel you always said she was. Again, no details, but you passed a very quick judgment on me, and never bothered to listen to what really happened.
I don't mean to sound at all like I'm trying to ruin the wonderful relationship that you and Jenna have. I always thought that the two of you were so perfect a pair, it was ridiculous. I just want you to know that, contrary to what you have probably heard, I am not a bad person. I am still exactly the same as I was when you were singing my praises. I have been completely honest about my stance the entire time (much too honest, I admit). You may love her, but that's more than Jenna can say.
Again, I am very sorry you got dragged into the this. I am sorry for the awful things I said to your granddaughter. I have apologized to her as well, for the little it's worth, and in case you were wondering. I also apologize for saying that you received half truths from your bloodline, but I had to say it, because I never got the chance before. In any event, people make mistakes, and what's done is done. I know you will continue be the phenomenal grandmother you have always been, and you will look after Jenna until you are no longer able. I just hope your grudge against me can subside upon reading this letter. I never intended for it to happen the way it did.
I've no idea what purpose this letter served, other than easing my mind on how you feel about me. I truly did consider you to be as close as a grandmother, and it really hurt when you disappeared with Jenna. I hope you can understand that I was in a different place, mentally, when I made the derogatory comments towards your granddaughter. I was forced into a corner, and I didn't know what else to do aside from lash out. I also hope you understand that the situation you were presented with was a far cry from what actually happened, and that my mental breakdown was fairly justified when everything that really took place is taken into account. I have seen my errors, and I have apologized to everyone I can possibly apologize to. I hope you can forgive me some day.
Dear Lindsay (John's girlfriend... don't recall the last name, sorry!),
I heard about your forced involvement with Jenna's side that night I discovered all of you over at Daryn and Shelby's house. You know, after she lied to me about being at your house hanging out. I heard that you asked her that it not be done ever again, and I also heard that things with the two of you haven't been the same since. I really appreciate just knowing that, a lot. I'm glad to know that you saw where I was coming from, even without me saying a word to you about it.
I'm sorry I made false assumptions about you, and stopped talking to you altogether. You are a cool chick, and I hope you can forgive me for it. A stiff handshake is in order the next time I see you.
Sorry I cut you off completely, if you even noticed that I had done so. You were my first roommate ever, and a pretty unique cat altogether. I still think fondly of you, I just figured that you would definitely take Shelby's side over mine. You guys used to be like hetero-lifemates or something, so I just went ahead and charged your friendship to the game.
Hope you're doing good, chief, wherever you are.
Stop protecting your purse, and get over the hypocritical "animal right" stuff you're always preaching, if only so you can hug a few people every now and then. People first (family and close friends are very hard to come by in life), then animals (who, in all likelihood, would much rather look after themselves), and then money (which doesn't matter worth a shit when you're on your death-bed anyway).
As soon as you get a grasp on that, I will take you on that trip to Jamaica... but not a moment before. I love ya, cuz, but you gotta get with the program one day.
And stop hogging Don. Jeezin' Crowe, let that negro out for some light every now and then!
I'm never mad at you, so don't even start asking! ;-)
Dear B. Howell,
I wish you would stop fucking up. It's neither clever, nor funny any more. It's simply predictable, and aggravating as hell. One day, life is going to come crashing down on you like a ton of bricks, and right now, I do not believe that you are even slightly prepared for it. I hate to say anything negative about you, since we've been friends for nearly two decades, I really do. I only do it because I honestly worry that your life is almost to the point of ruin, and you don't give a shit. You won't hear it, though. As a matter of fact, I pretty much refuse to say anything bad now, because you never listen. You only think I'm being an overbearing, know-it-all asshole, and that nothing bad will ever happen to you.
You better listen to this, home boy: If you don't clean up your act pretty soon, and at least TRY to do something positive with yourself, then you're not gonna have anyone left who give a rat's ass whether you live or die. That's real. You're the closest thing I ever had to a brother, and you have a lot of friends out there... but you're still on a downward spiral, and without Crissy as an added anchor, you really have no one left to blame but yourself. We all want you to do right, Brandon, but we can't do it for you. Think about it.
Take care of yourself, REALLY...
(PS: Please get over Jessie Bius. It's been six years since you broke up, for crying out loud, and I'm tired of hearing about it from both of youse. She still cares about you a lot, but she feels the same way I do. You just need to get it together, post-haste! Then you can worry about the love of your life, whoever it is.)
Who would have thought we would be where we are today? I am so thankful for your patience throughout, and your understanding of, this whole crazy thing. Our friendship has always been a blessing for this guy, since the day we met, but it has certainly shone through over the last several months. I don't know where I would be right now, if it weren't for your continued advice, support, and "rambling" in general. I trust you completely, and that says all that really needs to be said, especially with my ridiculous amount of issues. All I can say is thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You'll never know how much our relationship means to me.
As for your future, I'm not even going to pretend to have a clue. Whatever it is, and wherever it is, always know that I only wish you complete and total happiness when you get there. I am sure that you, if anyone, will be able to achieve it. I have no idea where our "perfect fit" is, in the wild jigsaw puzzle of one another's lives. I do know for a fact, however, that you will ALWAYS have a deluxe condo in the beautiful downtown section of my heart. You are a genuine, unique, brilliant, and all-around wonderful girl. One of the absolute best I have ever known. Never change, miss. Not for anyone.
As a side note: I also know that I hope you never marry someone else. Or, at least, not a jealous man. If I'm not able to cuddle up on the couch for a movie with you at least once every two weeks for the rest of my life... well, I don't know what I'll do. :)
... you know ....
WOW! That was a super long entry. I feel kind of crazy, having written all that... but it really has worked wonders for my stress levels today. I am still having trouble keeping my mouth entirely closed, negativity-wise, with this whole thing. The letter to Shelby was obviously my weak point, but I'm making progress. Thanks to Casey for pointing out this "how to deal" tactic. It really helped, all in all.